Striking the balance of confident agent in God's world AND humble service

clipart illustration of Master and Lord now as servant of love

Fortitude but also frailties; certainty but also not knowing; rock of strength but also water of life; deep self-esteem and respect but also humbleness; in charge of one's life and steward of its gifts but also recognizing God's Will Be Done (giving one's affairs over to God's direction). Each of these opposing pairs center on the vital tension between being mortal and child of God growing step by step while presuming there is a finite universe to be grasped and played well, but also striving to get past or get over our own limitations and boundaries of control to allow much bigger forces into our field of view and arena of participation.

Today's reading from John's gospel, chapters 12 and 13, in which Rabboni Jesus in the role reversal of servant, not master, washes the feet of all the apostles, overcoming Peter's refusal to allow such a thing, but also revealing that one of the brothers will betray Jesus. This mind-boggling illustration for all followers to strive for has many strands of meaning: servanthood, humility with dignity and respect, no pretension in the humanity of the engagement of one to the other. Likewise, we, too, are meant to embody seeming contradictions and overcome the initial tension we perceive between living our days with a plan or intention, but also remaining open-hearted in order to accommodate unplanned events or opportunities.

If it proves to be too hard to hold the opposing motions in constant tension, then another way is to alternate between the one position and the other; between being in the driver's seat but also being the passenger in God's own vehicle. A similar solution seems to work for the conundrum of seeking after God's nature, teachings, and will for today and for tomorrow. It is possible to take a position of certainty and increasingly deeper and more detailed knowledge, but also to alternate and take a position of humble ignorance. "The more I know, the more I see there is to know and thus feel my ignorance more keenly." Acting as though a limited body of knowledge can be encompassed in order to know God, a counterbalancing position is needed to break what is finite in order to glimpse what is infinite: just as we have a momentary feeling of triumph in apprehending a passage or idea or example, only to find out the limits of that momentary grasp of God's infinity. Here, again, there is a vital pulse produced by grasping and letting go; of understanding and then feeling ignorant; of feeling certain of God's Way and then feeling humble and lacking clear or simple answers.

Since we cannot directly and fully know God, this veering between fragments of knowing and then letting go of these pieces to embrace something bigger is, perhaps, the most productive way to mature in one's relationship to the Creator.